If you feel everything at once, trying to explain "how it's going" is impossible

Welp, my title pretty much sums up my blog post. Nothing else needed. But since I'm writing to inform, or maybe just for the cathartic process, I'll elaborate.

I found out on Monday that my stepsister is back in jail. For those of you who are surprised by the "in jail" part of that sentence the most...well, we must not have had many heart-to-hearts. No biggie. Just know that neither the jail part, nor the "back in" part of that sentence are surprises to my family anymore. However, this time is different. This time it's for something horrible (not prostitution, which was my first thought, to ease your curious minds) and the offense is against a police officer. As if all of her issues with the law didn't put my dad's job in enough jepoardy, this particular arrest could seriously harm my dad's career. So my dad and stepmom are dealing with the emotion and stress of her issues, and with the possible consequences of it all as well. This affects their relationship, which of course affects how they interact with my brother and I. Since we both live at home, life is not particularly pleasant. Not on a heart level anyway. Not where it counts. We are 4 separate people living 4 separate lives, and I honestly don't know if any of us can/has the energy/has the time/has the desire to work to change that.

My stepmom also mentioned that while I was house-sitting this past week and while she was at a Women's Conference my dad and stepbrother got into a huge fight. Something about my brother not respecting my dad, my dad not loving my brother or sister, how my brother shouldn't eat the food in the house or live here then...blah blah blah. None of this stuff is new, honestly. It has always been this tangible undercurrent, and I have felt guilty and/or responsible for keeping the peace, making everyone feel loved and accepted and welcome my whole life. I'm tired of it. I have reached the end of my rope stepping on eggshells around my family and trying to make everyone act like they love each other and get along. It's overrated. If you don't get along, then whatever. That's your decision. I'm going to continue to love and try to get along with everyone still, because that's who I am. But if that's not who you are, then so be it. Whatever. This is my attitude right now-- it leaves much to be desired and I'm aware of that. God is probably changing my heart as we speak, but right now it's in small ways that I can't see, and I'm okay with that. I'm sure this is all part of the process and my feeling this way will ultimately be a part of the story that makes up my life.

Along with this, I am feeling major stress and anxiety about a wedding cake that I have agreed to make for September 18th. I have made one wedding cake in my life, and it was with my stepmom, for fun, just for ourselves. I would not have ever served it for a real wedding. And now I am making one- for people to see, remember, and eat. Have I picked or tested out any recipes yet? No. Have I decided how to go about making the designs the bride asked to have on the cake? No. Have I nailed down the exact sizes I want each tier to be and experimented with layers? Not at all. Do I have time to do this stuff? On Wednesdays and Thursdays! Oh, which will, btw, soon be filled again with school and homework. I just this week hosted a Mother of the Bride party (she kind of took the bachelorette party her daughter didn't want), and then tonight co-hosted a bridal shower. I am exhausted, and I'm not even the bride, family member, or close friend.

In addition to all this, I start grad school on Wednesday! To be exact, I have an orientation on Wednesday night, and then the first day of class- which is 4 hours long- is on Thursday night. I ordered my books online, so hopefully they get here soon. I am excited for school to start, and nervous about how it will affect my schedule, relationships, commitments, and morale. I'm excited to learn about this kind of stuff, because I know I'll love it, but I'm worried that halfway through I'll wonder why the hell I'm spending thousands of dollars to get a Masters degree when it may not do anything for me. Also, there is $2300 worth of tuition/fees that my loan doesn't cover, due by September 30th at the latest.

Finally, last but not least: I found out my mom is coming home in the beginning of October! I am soo happy about this! It's going to be great; I'm so glad that she'll be back, nearby, within calling range (not to mention driving range!) and will have employment for the next year at least. I'm excited to get all of our stuff out of storage and move back into our house, and it'll be nice to have her place available for me to escape to from time to time.

All of ^this^ is why I can't update my facebook status. It's why I seem like an evasive jerk when people call, text, or ask how I'm doing. And I'm guessing it's why I'm not asleep right now. Go figure.