THURSDAY, JANUARY 27, 2011

All or nothing?
So...
Heres the lowdown. Let me start off by apologizing for any major spelling errors, I'm on my iPhone in bed typing this so don't expect super high quality.
I am at the beginning of my second semester of grad school, in the MA program for International Care and Community Development. Huh? You ask. It has a ton to do with social justice, with recognizing our responsibility as followers of Christ and humans on this earth to bring the kingdom of god to people while we're alive. It's about development done in a sustainable, beneficial way, not a quick fix or a feel good mission. It's about reframing how you see your life and how you read gods word- a shift away from taking the bible and making it all about you, to grasping the cultural context of the time and understanding christs words then in order to see the relevancy and life in them today.
It's amazing. I have no doubt that this is the stuff I have been asking my whole life without realizing it. This is the work I have felt called to do, these are the truly like-minded people that make me feel less alone in my desires and thoughts.
But you can't serve two masters. And I'm struggling with my usual policy of all or nothing, as far as life goes, because choosing all has some awfully big consequences. I quit my job (Friday is my last day) in order to give more time and energy to this program and all that we're learning. So right away I have a money concern. No one in my family, matt, or current church seem to think along these lines, or they don't voice it at least. I find myself countering sermons or discussions, and it feels great to trust in what I have to say! But it feels lonely too. The responsibility that comes with this knowledge feels overwhelming, regardless of whether it's good or bad, right or wrong, offensive or harmless. The thing is, Jesus didn't come to make people feel better and gain some friends, spread the word of hope and heaven to some People and then go back home. He came for a revolution. He took his disciples from different and controversial cultural groups and gave them a new framing story- not one of empire and oppression and slavery but one of freedom and peace and justice and right relationships, with each other, with the earth, and with god. I shouldn't be concerned with my own comfort and plans for my life, but I am. I worry that gods plan is so much larger than mine that he'll call me to give up more than my job (ps immediately after I acted on what I felt god wanted me to do-give my notice- I got an internship with World Vision, doing a project proposed by the senior VP who came to guest speak in a class. Talk about god being faithful when we are faithful!)
I do realize, after past experiences, that when I reach these times of fear and am tempted to take control, that's when I do the most damage. I become another person and drive people away, because I'm trying so hard to hold onto them. I lose sight of my priorities, and I make decisions that are totally selfish and fear based. Obviously, you'd think recognizing these things would stop them from happening, but like a twelve-step program, it's just the first step. I have to decide daily to turn my palms upward and let go of all I'm clenching on to. It has all been given to me, so it's really not mine to control or manipulate anyways. Still, the process is hard, especially when I feel like there's so much! I pray that I can approach it all with a humble teachableness that can be shared with others. I hope that god will keep the people I have in my life now in my life in big ways.
If you're a pray-er, I could use some :) when things get overwhelming I tend to sabotage myself, and I don't want to do that. I also don't want to jump ahead and assume I know where gods leading, because nothing could be further from the truth.
Thanks for reading and caring... Sorry about the sporadic postings :)