Ugh. For serious.

I have been challenged lately by certain circumstances to evaluate the friend that I am to those I care about. Things I have realized:

1. I almost always let my own experiences and mistakes guide the advice I give and shape the way I relate to people. I know that this is normal and a subconcious thing to do, since we are all made up of all our experiences, but I too often let mine hinder the way I relate to my friends. This is usually most obvious during times of suffering.
2. I judge other people's experiences based on my own, compare, and react accordingly. Pride (even pride stemming from a negative experience) is an issue I'm seeing more clearly lately. (See detailed paragraph below...)
3. I've had "different" and not fully stable or healthy relationships with the female figures in my life, and that seriously has affected the relationships I have with my girlfriends. As a result, relationships with guys tend to come easier, usually because of the open honesty and casual-ness. (There are exceptions to this, of course, roommates and ladies I deeply admire and trust) **
4. I like to think that I am a compassionate person, but it's easier to be compassionate in a large-scale way than it is to show daily compassion for those I see all the time. (My parents, friends that are struggling with the same issues over and over, etc.) My heart breaks continuously for the children suffering across the world, but it makes me very uncomfortable to be vulnerable and present for my stepmom- for example- and I find myself more frustrated than loving towards a needy friend. Where is the justice in that?
5. I suck at putting forth a lot of effort consistently. For all of you who live far from me, I truly apologize for failing to keep in good contact. I do think about you and pray for you, and remember our inside jokes, but the time it would take to catch up over a phone call intimidates me and I drop the ball. :(
6. I need to remember how to listen. Just listen. And pray. For friends. Without inserting my opinion (which, as we've established, is too often rooted in my own experiences and the value I've given theirs based on a comparison. Uncool.)
7. I need to recognize that I will not be what everyone needs. I can't be the friend with the perfect ear and the mouth full of wisdom, and in fact, I am usually neither. That's ok.

All of this came about because a friend of mine is going through a breakup right now, and I feel...exasperated by the situation. My compassion seemed to have only went so far, and now I'm struggling.

I have realized, with help, that my own breakup experience is completely shaping how I am responding in this situation. I have compared my ex-relationship with hers, juxtaposed the men we dated, looked at how the actual breaking-up went down, and have taken note of all the support and encouragement she has recieved through it all. Needless to say, hers has come out WAY ahead of mine. The godly guy, the time spent dating, the boundaries kept, the prayers and sheer amount of people that have surrounded her post-dumping...yeah. The cynical side of me is annoyed and feels bitter about the self-pity. I feel like pushing her into the next phase, but it's not for any biblical, "true friend" kind of reason (except that self-pity really gets you nowhere, and no true friend would let you stay stagnant like that for long). It's because I was alone (Val, you are my exception, and I love you for it), and the circumstances were so different, and I'm mad that my situation sucked so much in comparison. I am having my own pity-party over this, over my past experience... it's a plank in the eye issue, God, isn't it?!

So, needless to say, I haven't been a great friend. Most especially right now to this friend, but to all my others as well. I'm sure that this mindset isn't completely new, and I've probably talked too much when all I should've done was listen and pray. And I'm sure that my pride has always been there, and God is finally so sick of it he's bringing it front and center in my relationships so I can't avoid the issue much longer.

Ugh. For serious. I'm sorry! Thanks for sticking around. :)

**This realization was brought to me by my good friend Leah. I was sharing about how uncomfortable I get when my mom or my stepmom says I Love You. I have a physical reaction against it- like, I feel myself flinch and just want to run away. What the heck is that about? Definitely something to ponder and hopefully work on...