As I cried, I couldn't exactly pinpoint why. All I knew was that I was not okay with what was happening. I also knew that if I said that, it would make things more challenging. It would have been good to stop, to say what I actually believed and really wanted, and to not sugarcoat it or water it down at all. Instead, I kept silent. I denied how I really felt when I was asked if I was okay; I denied my beliefs; I denied my God. And so it continued.
As I remembered this today, I saw the situation differently. I wasn't only crying because I was unhappy or in pain. I was alone. It's not that God left me, but He turned away. He couldn't be a part of the sin...He couldn't bear to see me like I was: denying Him and bowing to another idol. It was the loneliness, the separation that killed me. I couldn't see it or understand it, but it's clear as crystal now. I knew in the moment that what I was doing was killing God, and I was too weak to stop it. I was too blinded, too pained, and too stubborn to give up what I thought was control of the situation. I thought that if I suffered through a little bit, it would pay off and stop hurting soon. I was counting on it getting easier.
Poor God.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Hindsight
Posted by Lauren Elise at 11:47 PM
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1 comments:
at first i thought i knew what you are talking about in this but i really dont think i do. i know you told me its just a memory though, but honestly i cant get this out of my mind. You crying and in pain on my birthday, and you never said anything or called me or told me anything and i feel really in the dark. i wish there was some way i could help you, and if there is, i hope you let me
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