So I'm pretty positive I need an outlet. I have this stuff I'm processing and it's a lot. I'm thinking honestly, instead of with the filter I usually keep in place to protect myself. I'm trying to expose to myself the stuff I've tried to keep dark. It's an interesting challenge. Sometimes it's really shameful and sometimes I feel stupid, but I'm trying this new thing where I don't write off my feelings or experiences as stupid or insignificant.
There are things that I want to be honest about, but not on a blog. There are things from my past that I've done that I don't feel everyone needs to know about, but that I don't necessarily want to hide. Selective disclosure, I guess. All of this would be easier if I had a journal. I need to get it out, make it real, give it a purpose, but not online for the world to see. The problem is, I can't seem to find a journal. It may seem silly, but it's such a personal thing to me. In the past I've bought just cheap ones and then decorated them myself, but that doesn't seem to fit me right now. It perplexes me, but I can't seem to find anything that fits me right now. No journal design, no colors, no size, that I want to commit to. I think it's all a part of the process.
The beautiful part of this challenge is that I really feel God in it. When I remember and go through those painful or shameful things, I feel at peace. I'm so thankful for something I cannot fully comprehend and don't ever remember as often as I should. Why does Jesus take the shame away and see me as beautiful, relentlessly? Something to do with love- and that word unconditional. I'm just glad he's a patient God, willing to go through the hurt and pain with me, willing to remind me that it's there for a reason, and that I'm beautiful to Him even in the midst of it.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
An Outlet
Posted by Lauren Elise at 6:00 PM
Labels: God, journals, processing
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2 comments:
Changing hands by Trader Joes. They have some nice ones. I usually look on-line for mine (then I "anonymously" send the link to Ryan so he can get me something for my birthday/Christmas :-) ). I've noticed that journaling itself isn't as productive for me, unless I journal with the purpose of sharing it with God kinda like prayer. If I just journal, I just get stuck on my own lies and half truths. My thoughts get jumbled and confused. But I've found that if I do in a way that incorporates God...it helps SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. Cuz I can't figure things out. But maybe the Holy Spirit can. And seriously, He's the one that gives me peace anyways. The crazy kinda peace that I didn't ever think I'd get as I started realizing how awful I am. And generally that's just what I'm looking for. Peace from the crazy inner turmoil that is my life the beautiful and the grotesquely awful.
yeah, my journal entries are usually written prayers, or letters to God. otherwise it annoys me too much to go back and read them, because i cringe at what i write. i went to changing hands to check them out there, but didn't find anything. the store is awesome though- i was stuck in there for at least an hour!
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